Where Survival Ends and Aliveness Begins

For a long time, I lived through the lens of shame and survival without even realizing it.

What does that feel like in the body? For me, it’s tension in the jaw, tightness in the back of my neck, a bracing against being too big, too messy, too intense. That’s where the fear of being "too much" lived in my body.

Recently, an interaction with someone in my life awakened a huge surge of desire, excitement, and social engagement energy that had been lying dormant for a long time. And when that came alive? Oh my god — so much charge, so much anxiety, so much energy moving through me. My desires and wants were waking up, and my body was shakily expanding its capacity to hold it.

Isn’t it funny how even good feelings can feel overwhelming? Excitement, love, desire, ambition — they can all feel so big that our bodies instinctively brace against them. Sometimes a thought emerges, "I’m fine with where I am now," not because it's true, but because expansion feels scary.

Big desires and wants that feel overwhelming don’t need to be tossed aside or bulldozed through. We can learn to be with the fear, accept it, and trust that our capacity will build over time. The fear response to our own aliveness can soften. What once felt impossible can start to feel manageable, even exhilarating.

I thought that being careful, being palatable, being good at reading a room was just who I was. It didn’t feel like survival. It felt like "being good," "being smart," "being kind."

It wasn’t until I began my own deeper work through somatic practices, therapy, and real-world trial and error, that I realized what was actually happening.

I wasn’t being fully alive. I was being safe.

The first time I let myself feel a big emotion without shrinking it for someone else's comfort, it was terrifying. The first time I spoke what I wanted without softening it to make it more acceptable, I thought I had done something wrong.

I share this because if you are here now standing on the edge of your own unraveling, your own awakening, you are not alone.

As someone who has walked this path personally, I understand the raw, trembling moment when a person stops living from shame — and begins to trust themselves.

It sounds beautiful in theory. In reality?

It can feel terrifying.

You are not broken if you feel unstable, anxious, tender, or uncertain right now. You might be standing at the threshold of your own becoming.

If you would like support as you build self-trust and move through this beautiful, messy process, I invite you to reach out. I would be honored to walk alongside you.