What Does a Regulated Nervous System Actually Feel Like?
In This Article
Why regulation is not the same as being calm all the time
What a healthy nervous system actually does
Signs your nervous system is becoming more flexible
How regulation can change your relationships and boundaries
Physical signs of a regulated nervous system
Why discharge isn't the ultimate goal
Subtle ways healing can change your preferences, interests, and life
What Regulation is and What it Isn’t
When you think of someone with a regulated nervous system, what comes to mind?
Is it someone who drives home in heavy traffic, gets dangerously cut off, and thinks, “Oh well,” before moving on with their day happily?
Is it someone who never gets rocked, regardless of how many tasks pile up on their to-do list?
Someone who never gets anxious?
Someone who never gets overwhelmed?
Someone who's calm all the time?
That's not actually what regulation looks like.
I think when people picture someone who is regulated, they imagine someone who is calm, relaxed, and typically unbothered.
But that's not actually what regulation looks like.
Sometimes we need to get activated. Maybe it's to get a task done. Maybe someone has crossed a boundary and we feel angry and need that energy to set a boundary and communicate it.
Our nervous system moves from calm and embodied to activated because we need it to accomplish something. Sometimes things are too much, and we move into shutdown. Moving into these more uncomfortable states doesn't automatically mean we're dysregulated.
The problem isn't activation.
The problem is getting stuck.
We want flexibility in our nervous systems and the ability to live fully and vibrantly. That doesn't mean being calm all the time. That doesn't mean being unbothered all the time. It means we might get heightened or go into shutdown for a little bit, and then we come back to that embodied and rested state again.
Regulation Isn't About Staying Calm
Let's talk about three basic states in the nervous system.
The first one is ventral vagal. This can also be referred to as our rest-and-digest state. It's where you feel present, connected, confident, calm, curious, and just all-around good.
Ventral vagal is when socialization feels comfortable, when your task list feels manageable, and when life feels like it has many possibilities. The overall feeling with this state is: I can.
Then we have sympathetic activation. This is when we need some extra energy. Maybe it is to stand up for ourselves. Maybe it is to act quickly and get ourselves to safety. Maybe it is to reach a deadline or make a dash so we don't miss the train or the bus. And then, when we don't need sympathetic activation anymore, we return to that comfy state of ventral vagal.
Sometimes we run into trouble when we are stuck in sympathetic activation. This can look like rumination, anxiety, an inability to rest, disturbed sleep, irritability, or feeling extra prone to anger. It's that sense of urgency with an undertone of I must. It can be exhausting to stay stuck in sympathetic activation.
Last, we have dorsal vagal, or shutdown. This is when our body has reached a threshold of too much activation, maybe for too long, and it slips into fatigue, low energy, foggy brain, and a general sense of malaise. Again, sometimes we just need to take a rest, and then the body regulates, stays flexible, and returns back to that rest-and-digest state of ventral vagal.
But if we stay stuck in dorsal vagal, or shutdown, it can look like constantly having low energy, feeling wired but tired, feeling fatigued to the point that it's difficult to keep up with life, and sometimes a sense of hopelessness.
So, to recap that, we want a nervous system that moves in and out of these states with flexibility rather than a nervous system that is stuck.
The good news? You don't have to stay stuck.
The goal isn't:
“I never get anxious.”
The goal is:
“I can experience anxiety without getting stuck there.”
Examples of this might include:
getting nervous before a presentation
getting angry when a boundary is crossed
feeling grief after loss
feeling tired after stress
Healthy systems move.
They don't stay frozen.
A Regulated Nervous System Is Flexible
I healed a lot of my trauma and gained a lot more resilience and flexibility in my nervous system. I noticed that I could feel a lot of intensity that, in the past, would have knocked me out for a long period of time. I'm talking days and weeks.
But as I got more regulated, I noticed I could feel things just as intensely. I could feel the fear. I could feel the overwhelm. I could feel the anger. I could even feel the shame. But I didn’t get overwhelmed or brace against it. And then, I could return to that state of connection, embodiment, and rest and digest.
What changed was that I could adapt. I had resilience, and recovery came much, much easier.
This also meant that I no longer had to be as afraid of things that could potentially stress me out because I knew I had the capability to support myself through those times and return to a place where I could rest again.
A healthy nervous system moves:
activate →settle → activate again → settle again
That’s regulation.
Regulation Doesn't Always Make You More Palatable
I know sometimes I see people who want to feel more regulated so that they're more palatable, less of a bother, and just easier for the people around them. I get that, we all want to fit in.
But here's the thing: regulation is not always going to make you more palatable.
Many times, being stuck in activation or shutdown can be because we have suppressed ourselves. We have suppressed speaking up. We have suppressed expressing our needs. We have people-pleased. We have sacrificed ourselves, sometimes to our own physical detriment, to be accepted by others.
Does that resonate? I know it does deeply for me.
As we get more regulated, we develop the capacity to speak up, to express ourselves, to express needs, and to be more authentic. And sometimes this can feel very uncomfortable, not only for us but for the people around us.
But we develop more capacity to be with the discomfort of others and know that we will still be OK.
I remember when I first learned about boundaries, I could barely understand them or how to do them because I knew if I set boundaries, I would lose some relationships that depended on me not having any boundaries. I did not have the capacity to experience that discomfort…yet.
I needed more support and regulation in my nervous system so I could do the scary thing of setting boundaries, speaking up for my needs, and letting my true self come out. Some people will love this and some won't, and that can be really uncomfortable.
But fear not, my friend. Over time, it gets much easier. The brain and nervous system will stop associating self-advocacy with fear and danger.
So, can becoming regulated make life more pleasant and easier? Absolutely, yes.
And when people have more capacity, they can often become more direct, more willing to disappoint others, and more themselves. And that's not always going to be more palatable.
But it is living in a full, inspired, honest, and vibrant way. It’s a full-body “yes” to yourself.
A Little Story Time
Long, long ago, when I started my healing journey, I was 30 years old and had very little idea as to what I actually liked, thought, believed, or what I wanted my life to look like.
First, there was coming to that realization. And oh boy, it was not fun. There was a lot to feel under all that freeze that I had numbed myself out to for years and years.
Honestly, I burned down my life in many ways. I became aware to a lot of the patterns I was in very very fast. Side note: I do not recommend doing it this way! Haha.
However, fast forward, and here I am knowing exactly what I like, who I like, what I believe or don't believe, which is always shifting because I'm learning and experiencing life, and I also know what I want my life to look like.
During that time, I became very unpalatable for many people who preferred for me to agree with them all the time or not have my own preferences. This shifted a lot of my relationships. Some relationships went through difficult times, repair happened, and now they're stronger. Some relationships ended, and new relationships began.
But now I have the satisfaction of allowing my true self to be present. And I needed extra nervous system capacity and regulation to find comfort with the new discomfort of being who I was. I had to become comfortable with other people's discomfort instead of shape-shifting and contorting so I could receive acceptance.
Now I receive acceptance from people who can take me with the parts they love, the parts they like, and the parts they don't like. And all those parts get to be present in our relationships. Acceptance for the whole human person.
And the capacity and regulation to be a whole human person with all of its facets.
Physical Signs of a Regulated Nervous System
So, what are some signs you can look for to know you are on your way to that beautiful, regulated, flexible nervous system?
When we notice these things, we can savour them. Notice what they feel like in your body. Notice the ability to shift, recover, and experience something in a new way.
Look for:
breathing more freely
less chronic tension
better digestion (including stomach gurgling, burping, or passing gas)
sleeping more deeply or resting more easily
feeling more grounded in your body
having more energy available
recovering from stress more quickly
feeling more expressive and wanting to connect with others
Food tasting better
seeing your environment as brighter or more vibrant
your interests and curiosity returning
feeling drawn toward new experiences
Here is where things get interesting…
People all of a sudden make decisions that they have been stuck on for weeks, months, or years. They change their style. Their curiosity increases. They want to try new things. Things that bothered them don't bother them in the same way. Anxiety decreases. Decisions become easier. Unhealthy coping mechanisms can melt away. Confidence in communication grows. Scary situations aren't so scary anymore.
Sometimes you'll notice these small, gentle shifts in your system.
And sometimes those shifts can be life-changing.
Keep noticing them, savour them, give them the attention they deserve, because it is a little magical.
What About Discharge
What do I mean by discharge? I'm talking about energy that felt stuck and is now moving.
Discharge can be:
shaking
crying
warmth
tingling
spontaneous movement
deep breaths
Discharge can happen in Somatic Experiencing, but it is not the goal.
I’m going to say it…catharsis is often not the way to long term healing.
Sometimes, in certain somatic lineages, people may aim for discharge. This can look like BIG energy moving, absolutely. And sometimes it can be helpful.
But in my experience, often going slow, gentle, and titrated is what sticks in the nervous system and lands. Discharge definitely happens, but it's not forced. Space is created, and discharge naturally happens.
Trauma often happens when things are too big, too fast, or too much for the nervous system. And we cannot heal the way we were traumatized. Which is why slow and gentle often wins the race and makes life feel different.
So, the goal is often greater capacity, greater resilience, and greater flexibility.
Sometimes people can have a dramatic discharge, but nothing in life changes. They feel relief, but their capacity didn't change. And when stress comes along again, they don't have a different way of dealing with it.
And sometimes someone can just have the gentle experience of feeling safe, and everything in their life can begin to change.
The goal is greater capacity, flexibility, and regulation.
Sometimes people discharge dramatically and nothing changes.
Sometimes someone simply feels 5% safer and their life changes. Seriously. Somatic work is sneaky powerful.
Unexpected Signs Your Nervous System Is Healing
In my training, my instructors often said, “Look for what's different or new.”
Nervous system changes can impact so many things, so sometimes we notice changes in many different places in someone's life.
Examples:
finding yourself gravitating to different types of friends
experimenting with different styles of clothing
showing up at work differently, often with less urgency
feeling comfortable with voicing needs, preferences, and opinions
eating habits changing
shifts in current relationships
changing tolerance for chaos and drama
wanting to be seen more, or not needing to be seen as much
You might find yourself wanting:
more rest
more adventure
more connection
more solitude
more stimulation
more stepping out of your comfort zone
As survival patterns soften, who you are underneath becomes easier to hear, feel, and see.
Look for what is different.
What Regulation Actually Feels Like
Regulation feels like experiencing the full range of life and walking toward it without constantly bracing against it. And when that bracing does show up, there is a return to softening.
There is less need for control to make yourself feel safe because now, safety lives within you. You can access safety anytime. This is what I teach and help people access.
A regulated nervous system isn't:
calm all the time
happy all the time
never stressed
perfectly zen
A regulated nervous system is:
flexible
responsive
embodied
connected
capable of returning
Regulation can look like healthy anger, joy, fear, calm, happiness, disgust, annoyance, contentment, excitement, relaxation, productivity, rest, curiosity, and passion.
A regulated nervous system is flexible. It can feel exhausted and then return to feeling present, calm, and embodied. It can feel anxious or scared and still know it is safe, and the body can return to that regulated ventral state.
It's having confidence and comfort with the difficult parts and feelings of life and knowing that you will be OK.
A Final Thought
For a long time, I thought healing meant becoming calm.
I thought one day I would arrive at some magical destination where difficult things no longer bothered me, where anxiety disappeared, where I always knew what to do, and where life felt easy.
That isn't what happened.
What happened instead was that I became more capable of being with life.
I can feel fear and still move forward.
I can feel grief and still stay connected.
I can feel anger and use it to protect something important.
I can feel overwhelmed and trust that I will eventually find my way back to feeling like myself again.
That, to me, is what regulation feels like.
Not the absence of difficult emotions.
Not becoming perfectly zen.
Not becoming someone who is unbothered by everything.
It is the growing confidence that whatever shows up, you can meet it.
And perhaps most importantly, it is learning that you don't have to brace against life quite so much anymore.
You begin to trust your nervous system.
You begin to trust your capacity.
You begin to trust yourself.
And from that place, life often becomes bigger, richer, more vibrant, and surprisingly more enjoyable.
Life will not all of a sudden become easy, you no longer have to spend so much energy protecting yourself from it.
YOU have more ease.
Let Me Help
So, how does this sound?
Does it resonate?
I would love to help you and there are a few ways we can do that:
One on one work. (We work on specific patterns and you get top-notch focused support)
7 Days of Somatics (Get an intro to somatics and see if body work lands for you)
Go check out the video library (lots of information and practices)
