Why We Keep Repeating the Same Patterns (And How to Change Them)
In this article:
Why we often repeat the same patterns, even when we desperately want to change.
What my drive home taught me about how the nervous system learns through repetition.
Why familiar doesn't always mean healthy.
How Somatic Experiencing helps create new nervous system patterns.
A simple pendulation practice you can try this week to begin building more flexibility and resilience. (This actually fixed my long-time insomnia)
Why We Keep Repeating the Same Patterns
This week I realized something kind of funny.
For the last two years, I've driven to and from my office the exact same way, lets call it route A. Same route there, same route home. I never really questioned it because it was the shortest way I knew and I was used to it.
Then one day I discovered there was actually another way home.
It was longer in distance, but because of rush hour, this became the quicker way home.
It was clearly the better route, lets call it Route B.
So I decided, "Great. I'll just start driving this way."
Except... I didn't.
Well, I did. Sometimes. Somedays.
Most days I'd finish work, get in my car, and before I even realized what I was doing I'd driven right past the turn. Somewhere a few minutes later I'd think, "Ugh! I missed it again."
I wasn't deciding to take the old route.
I honestly forgot.
My body and brain learned, work is over, we go home this way.
The drive home pattern had been repeated hundreds of times. It had become automatic.
Eventually I put a little reminder where I'd see it before leaving work. That helped. It also helped because Route A started to become a bit painful because of construction. I started remembering more often. Some days I'd still miss it, but gradually the new route became the new pattern.
So this week, I noticed I was automatically taking Route B home every day without even thinking about it.
I thought, "Aha! This is exactly how our nervous systems work."
So many of us have a Route A.
It made me think about how often we do this in our own lives:
We finish work, we go home this way.
Someone criticizes us, we go quiet this way.
Someone pulls away, we chase this way.
We think about it, we freeze up this way.
Someone needs help, we abandon ourselves this way.
Some people call this self-sabotage. I see it a little differently…
Why Your Nervous System Chooses the Familiar
Rather than self-sabotage, I see a nervous system repeating what is familiar because familiarity feels safer than uncertainty. At some point in your life, your body learned, "This is the way we do this." Just like my drive home, it stopped questioning the route and simply followed the pattern.
Sometimes Route A isn't just people-pleasing, perfectionism, or overthinking. Sometimes Route A is freeze.
Your body may have learned that staying quiet, staying small, or not acting was the safest option available at the time. That wasn't a mistake. It was intelligent. But over time, that same protective response can become the automatic route your nervous system takes, even when it no longer serves you.
Part of Somatic Experiencing is gently expanding your nervous system's capacity and allowing incomplete defensive responses to finally finish. As that happens, more movement, flexibility, and life energy become available, making it easier for your system to discover that there are other roads it can take.
It is efficient for our brains and bodies to repeat learned patterns. Our brains are constantly looking for ways to automate things so they don't have to use as much energy.
The challenge is that they also automate emotional and physiological responses.
Maybe your body learned that conflict isn't safe, so it automatically collapses or freezes and goes quiet. Maybe it learned that love has to be earned by taking care of everyone else first. Maybe it learned that making a mistake means criticism is coming, so perfectionism became your Route A.
These responses all made sense at a certain time in your life, but they may need an update and reorganization so your nervous system can learn that things are different now. It can learn that it's safe to say no and stay in connection with others. It's safe to take care of your own needs before taking care of everyone else's. It's safe to choose a different road.
How Somatic Experiencing Helps Create New Patterns
This is one of the reasons I love Somatic Experiencing so much. We don't try to force ourselves onto a different road through positive thinking or willpower. Instead, we become incredibly curious about the road we're already taking.
We slow everything down enough to notice what happens in your body. We notice the tightening in your chest before you speak. The sinking feeling in your stomach when someone is disappointed with you. The urge to shrink, to please, to run away, to over-explain. We get to know your nervous system's favourite route really, really well.
Then, once there's enough awareness, we begin introducing something new.
That might be a memory of feeling grounded. It might be the sensation of your feet on the floor. It might be imagining how your future self would move through the same situation. Sometimes it's allowing your body to complete a protective response that it never had the chance to finish, like pushing away, turning, or standing up for itself. Those incomplete defensive responses often leave energy stuck in the system, and when they're gently completed, people frequently describe feeling like they have more space, more movement, or simply more life in them.
We're giving your nervous system another experience.
As we gently move between a little bit of activation and a little bit of resource (or a place that feels good), your nervous system begins having a different experience. Over time, it starts learning that activation doesn't have to be the whole story. There are other states available too, and with practice those states become easier to access.
That's important because your nervous system isn't memorizing a script for one specific situation. It's learning what different states feel like. So later, when a completely different situation brings up that same tightness in your chest or that familiar wave of anxiety, your body has more than one place it can go. It now knows how to feel good, react differently, and try something different.
It's a little like learning that new route home. At first, I had to remind myself every single day. Sometimes I'd remember, sometimes I'd miss the turn anyway, and then I'd gently redirect myself the next day. Eventually, after enough repetition, it became the new pattern.
I think that's what nervous system change often looks like too. It usually isn't dramatic. It rarely happens because we have one big insight or make one perfect decision. It happens because we notice the old route, gently redirect ourselves, notice it again, redirect ourselves again, and keep doing that until, one day, we realize we're responding differently without even thinking about it.
We don't erase Route A. It's still there. But we've spent enough time practising Route B that it becomes the road our nervous system naturally reaches for. And once we realize there are other roads available, we often begin finding new possibilities in all kinds of situations, not just the one we originally worked on.
Now lets help you pave a new path…
My most favourite (life changing!) practice ever… basic pendulation!
Notice a situation that you feel some anxiety or discomfort about. Choose something that is a 2-4 out of 10 intensity.
Notice the sensation in your body (tight, braced, tense, temperature, squeeze, buzziness, tingling, etc.), notice the edges, notice if an image arises, notice if a word comes, or notice if it wants to move or stay still. Gather up all this precious data.
Ask yourself, does this sensation feel familiar? Are there certain behaviours that emerge from it? Have I felt this before? Again, just notice.
Now move your attention to a place in the body that feels soft or more neutral. This could be the hands, the feet, or really anywhere. Again, notice the sensations (temperature, openness, softness, airiness, etc.), bring in a pleasant image and see what happens, notice the edges of this softness and where it might stem from. Does a word arise?
Now gently guide your attention back and forth between these two places and notice what happens.
Note on this practice: Think of this as dipping a paintbrush into one colour and then another and creating a whole new colour. It’s creating a whole new route for you.
I love this practice so, so much because it has completely changed my responses to challenging triggers and situations, and I see shifts in clients often with this. Scary things become less scary because we are no longer stuck in them. We always know how to find safety and resources and move through the experience rather than fixating and staying stuck.This practice actually fixed my insomnia after 10 years of trying many many remedies.
Pendulation can go much, much deeper and be more effective with guidance and support, so if that is something you would like, please reach out.
Journal Prompt
Where in your life do you feel like you're still taking Route A?
Is there a situation where you keep finding yourself reacting the same way, even though part of you wants something different?
Without judging yourself, get curious.
What seems to trigger that response?
What does your body do first?
If your nervous system had another route available, what might that look or feel like?
What's one small way you could practise taking that new road this week?
Final Thoughts: There Are Other Roads Home
Who knew my commute would turn into a lesson on nervous system change?
I just wanted to get home faster.
But I honestly love this analogy because I think it captures something that so many of us miss. We assume that if we know better, we should automatically do better. Then when we don't, we get frustrated with ourselves.
"Why am I still doing this?"
"Why do I keep ending up here?"
"Why can't I just change already?"
Meanwhile, our nervous system is over there happily saying, "Oh! I know this road! This has worked for a long time!" and taking the exit before we even realize what's happening.
The good news is that our nervous systems are always learning, they can always change. It’s called neuroplasticity y’all.
You learned Route A.
You can also learn Route B.
It might take a little or a lot of reminding. You might miss the turn a few or many times. (Apparently, I certainly did.) But every time you notice the old pattern and then choose something different, you're giving your nervous system another experience. And those experiences add up into a whole new pattern.
One day you'll probably catch yourself responding differently and think, "Fuck ya! Finally."
Those are my favourite moments. Where you sort of look back and realize the change you were working towards and desired is actually here and it’s starting to feel like the new normal.
If you'd like someone to help you discover your own Route A and start building a Route B, that's exactly what we do together in somatic sessions. We work with your nervous system instead of against it, so change feels less like forcing and more like learning.
And if nothing else, I hope the next time you're driving somewhere on autopilot, you'll wonder about a Route B and know you can take it at anytime.
